The Mastery of Alignment
Here it comes again…
I feel it bubbling beneath the surface like poison coursing through my veins.
My body physically tenses and contracts as it senses what’s coming.
All too familiar with the uncomfortable cycle playing out.
The searing feeling of dread and nausea as it rises fiercely from the darkest depths of pain buried within my core.
I try to ignore it and push it back down, but it’s not giving up.
The lump in my throat as I determinedly push down the tears that so desperately want to burst through and flow.
The palpitations and tightness rip savagely inside my chest.
I gasp for air as the suffocating cloak of fear wraps around me and takes hold.
I close my eyes and feel myself spinning back to the dark place.
Here it comes, the voice in my head.
That familiar bossy voice that likes to control and tell me it’s for my own good.
Why does it always have to put me down?
The constant repetition of you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy, you deserve all the bad things you get.
Why can’t the voice be kind? Why does it have to be so cruel?
Crashing and bumping around until my head just feels like one big mixing pot of sticky mush.
The incessant fidgeting and need to keep busy, what can I do to distract myself?
I scream inside my head ‘I can’t keep doing this’, as it gets louder and louder.
I scream again and again trying to block out the unrelenting noise.
And then, I feel the tired, heavy aching pain in my heart as my soul tries to reach me and whispers ‘I can help you’.
No, no, no I don’t want to look at the pain buried there.
I feel as if my heart will crack in two with the sheer force of the shame, rage, and guilt trying to spill out and escape.
‘It’s best to bury it,’ the ‘’other’’ voice cunningly encourages.
Enticing me, with any distraction it can. Have a drink, a cigarette, a bar of chocolate…. whatever I want, under the malicious pretense of it being fun and keeping me safe.
The soul softly replies, ‘You have a choice, you can turn this around. You just need to choose’.
The constant push and pull battle continues inside me.
I want to change but I’m so scared. The face of fear feels safe and comforting like an old friend.
I begin to shiver, even though the tortuous pain in my heart is burning.
I screech ‘I’m not brave enough. It’s too painful’.
The soul tries again, and gently says, ‘Place your hand on your heart. Breathe in deeply and slowly, as you connect. This is how you find me. I can help you, you just need to be willing, let go. Just let go. I’ve got you’.
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I yell back.
The soul replies ‘In every moment be willing. Practice, practice, practice. It will come, be brave dear one’.
It continues ‘Remember, the journey from the head to the heart, is not for the faint hearted. It can be a spiralling path of pain as you travel and delve into the darkest places buried within. Be willing. Each step taken will guide you to the next’.
I feel myself floating in and out of consciousness as time ceases to exist in the sharpened claws of pain.
Finally, as the tears begin to subside, anxiety and fear hastily retreat into the shadows for now.
Exhaustion takes over as I wearily survive another day of occupying my head.
I know I must make changes. But desperately wonder how?
Then I hear the souls nurturing voice ‘I’ll be here every time, I’ll never let you give up.’
Until next time…